I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.No one honestly believes Millie Bobby Brown runs over gay men with new cars. I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. Giving up smoking is easy…I’ve done it hundreds of times.
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I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. I know there’s global warming but that’s a fast process compared to getting the government to actually do anything. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. George Burns Short funny phrases for funny images with quotes Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. I play real sports…not trying to be the best at exercising.Īsk your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
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Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.ĭrawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.Įverybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.ĭon’t forget Mother’s Day. Mae West Funny Quotes - Hilarious Quotes to Make You LaughĬross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. Politics is just show business for ugly people. The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.Ī bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Have you seen that magazine “Barely Legal”? That means when you look at it, you’re “almost” a pedophile.Īfter all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law. There’s an old saying in Hollywood: It’s not the length of your film, it’s how you use it. Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.Ī celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.ĭon’t worry about the world coming to an end today.
After a while, it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.”Īnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.Īs a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.īehind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
“If you are Lonely, Dim all lights and put on a horror movie. “Don’t Bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up I will lick you.” “What can I say… I swear like a sailor & use please & thank you like a saint… I’m complicated.” “Every day I arrive at work with good and a great attitude – then idiots happen.” “Every time we try and eat healthily, along comes Christmas, Easter, Summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.” “I hate that moment when you’re tired and sleepy but as soon as you go to bed, your body is like Just Kidding.” I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.” Turtles do nothing and live for 150 years. Cast your vote for the best saying and see which phrases other people funny quotes collection of all time. Perfect for sharing, blogging, and tweeting. Easy to read the list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. Looking for the best funny quotes and hilarious memes collection of witty funny sayings that are sure to put a smile on your face.